Growing Up Part 1

         I am afraid. Again. Their stares are beating me to the ground, pinning me to my own insecurity and awkwardness. It seems that they take joy in comparing themselves to me. Judging who I am.

         I am different than them. I always have been, but the last few years have ripped our similarities apart and brought mountains and rivers between the friendships we used to have. I feel sick as I think of facing them again. Feeling their eyes upon me, then the indifferent turning away of their eyes to avoid looking into my eyes. If they were to look, what would they see? They would see fear there. I am a coward. I am different than them, and I know it better than they do.

         But why would I want to be like them? They have no fear, but they have no joy either. Their eyes show pain, rejection, hurt, building up for years and no one to turn to. They are lost in their own world. They do not really care about how different I am except to wonder if maybe they're wrong after all.

        So maybe growing up is looking past what you're feeling, looking to see what someone else is feeling. Because unconsciously, I have grown to judge them as much as I have felt them judging me. But maybe they just don't know how to respond to who I am.

        Growing up is facing my fears. Knowing that those fears shouldn't be fears. There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing except losing the opportunity of showing them a better way.