Here Is The Hope: Bulgaria 2019

I’ve been living in Bulgaria for two weeks.

My purpose in coming here was to write a series of articles. I am writing heart-breaking stories of horror, of nameless depravity, of seemingly endless cycles of poverty and hopelessness. Yet they are also laced with divine redemption. Of supernatural change. Of hope.

One story I wrote was of a girl who at two years old watched her father beat her younger brother to death when he would not stop crying. Now fifteen years old, she is dating a twenty-year-old man, who uses her freely in exchange for his “acceptance” and “love.”

Another sweet girl is fifteen years old. She was sold by a family member to sex traffickers for money. No one knows where she is.

These are just two examples.

One of the sweetest children I have ever met, was hungry, was beaten, was taken to an orphanage. Yet God’s redemption has him placed in a godly foster home, learning and becoming a godly young man who gives and loves with all his heart.

Here is the hope.

Even here, in a joyless nation, with spiritual darkness hovering over its borders, the Lord is at work.

In my heart, He is at work. “Jesus, I feel like we’re in a new place in our relationship.”

I am learning to speak to people, I am learning how to walk in freedom. I am falling in love with reading God’s Words. I am learning grace in a new way. I am finding my place.

This is another one of my randomly rambling posts. I wanted to document what I’ve been learning, to express to whoever reads this what I am seeing.

I’m sure I could sum this all up neatly with some cliché ending, and maybe this is it. 

Or maybe not.

There is more to Jesus than you see, and there is more in your heart that He desires to do. I hope you know that. I hope you let Him scrape off the scabs that have built on your heart, to let Him hold your raw and red heart in His hands. You can trust Him.

That’s all.

He loves you.

Here

What’s on my heart?

A million things, I acknowledge. 

The days are busy, involved; I suppose sometimes I assume my heart has no time to 

breathe. 

Reflect. 

Remember. 

Learn. 

Grow.

I get so consumed with the maintenance and the moments I forget 

the purpose. 

The beauty.

Inhale, exhale.

What’s on my heart?

Some of the lessons I learned days and days ago are once again inching their way into my heart. 

Jesus is beckoning me closer, calling me to deeper fellowship and love. 

Oh Jesus, how do I wander so far away from you? I’m pursuing good things, yet in the midst of them I lose our closeness. Forgive me, Jesus.

 I’m learning humility…again…

oh Lord, why is this lesson so hard?        

Even this morning he reminded me He’s my refuge. And I remember months and months ago when I learned to hide there, in his presence, away from the chaos surrounding me. 

When did I forget, Jesus? When did I forget I can run to you and hide?

He’s refining my heart, bringing me to repentance. 

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

He’s building new things within me: Run to ME, Sara, first. This burden you’re carrying is too heavy for you. The pressure is too much. Let me handle it. Let me handle it.

I’m learning to see the beauty around me. Yesterday I complained to myself the whole day. Felt anger. Felt my joy seep out of me, replaced with frustration. Anger. Fear.  

Oh Lord, today I choose joy. Today I choose to be aware of your blessings.

So here, in the crowded moments and chaos of this season, I raise my head. I remember how much He’s done. I choose to walk in his joy, his humility, his gifts, his wisdom.

These are beautiful days: learning to sing and dance before Jesus fulfills his promises. Before he whispers what the next step is. This is where living happens, where growth is multiplied, where beauty is born. 

I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand…”

What’s on your heart?

This Road We're On

We were staying in the Wisconsin Dells that night. It was August, 2017, and my family and I were en route to Chicago on a family vacation. I remember sitting in the dark car with my dad, tears pouring down my face. It didn’t make sense, none of it did. My heart was broken, broken with the weight of things that seemed so big, so insurmountable, so final.

It’s August, 2018. The glow from my laptop illuminates my otherwise dark room, and I sit here, a completely different person.

I haven’t written a blog post like this in a while. But an idea started to pulse in my mind a while ago, and I’m exhausted right now, but this is important. I want to talk about this walk with Jesus we’re on.

It’s lonely.

It’s Tuesday mornings waking up and feeling like you’re the only one in your friend group who’s not in your dream college. It’s Sunday mornings crying “there’s nothing here for me….why am I still here?” It’s Monday night, driving home alone and desperately crying, surrendering with a heart that is confused and scared, but whispering, shouting, crying that you still trust Jesus, though you do not understand.

My life hasn’t made a lot of sense. It’s had a lot of twists and turns, and the thought occurs to me frequently: this walk, following Jesus, is lonely.

You feel this, don’t you? You, too, are on a path mapped out for only you, with hurts that others will never understand and scars that only you see. You too, are on a path that violently turns and bends and leaves you asking, “God, I trusted you; why am I here?”

Oh my friends, let your hope rest fully in the Lord, within these feelings. Let your trust grow exponentially in his grace and goodness.

Because a lonely road is one that makes you own your faith. One that makes you the kind of person who can change the world for Christ. A lonely road is the very road that leads you to the most beautiful relationship with Christ that is literally peace and joy and rest and friendship and love that will bring you to tears. A lonely road is the road where you will feel the least lonely, really.

And there were other days, days that existed only because I had trusted Jesus with my entire heart. Days that only made sense inside of this walk that seemed so foreign to God’s apparent plan for the rest of mankind.

African rainstorms.

Cross-country drives.

Worship sessions.

Dancing.

Long talks with close friends.

Forgiveness.

And amidst all of the moments, the ones that broke me and the ones that made my heart rejoice, there were the moments with Jesus. His guidance. His discipline. Laughing together. Checking in. Apologizing. Praying, as to a friend, as to a divine Savior. Worshiping with a heart that might threaten to burst with joy.

I’m grateful for the times my heart broke, with death, or confusion, or hurt. I’m grateful for the deepest moments of joy I’ve ever experienced and the grief that made me run ever more to Jesus. These days have stretched me in more ways than I thought possible; it has been one thing after another of unexpected.

Very unexpected.

Except for one thing.

Jesus.

So be grateful when you're the only one. Rejoice when you're the only one doing the right thing. Walk in praise when it literally makes no sense, at all, whatsoever.

Because there is Jesus.

There with you and me through it all.

Through our mistakes and awkwardness and questions and doubt and insecurity and grasping ignorantly for approval in places that were never meant to define our identity. 

He was there. He always has been. And he always will be.

{I love You, Jesus. More than I can put into words. You alone have brought me this far. Your grace has covered my mistakes, and your truth heals the rawest wounds I’ve ever experienced. You are so incredibly good to me, and this life will be beautiful because of one thing: your presence. I may be the only one taking this path, but I look up, and there you are, walking beside me, because you love me with the deepest and truest love that strips away all of the words and all of the actions and all of the lies and pride and feelings and leaves a breathtaking view of only…

 your grace.}

"I Hope..."

♡I hope the word “living” takes your breath away.

♡I hope you think of Monday morning and think of brand new opportunity and productivity and grace and favor and adventure.

♡I hope Tuesdays bring you rest and reflection, learning more than you ever thought you could about yourself and your purpose.

♡I hope Wednesdays bring hard work and scrunched-up-face-smiles and dance-around-the-room-with-your-favorite-song kind of happiness.

♡I hope Thursdays remind you of beautiful rainy days that wash your heart clean from all the bitterness and rejection and pain.

♡I hope Fridays bring fireworks and friends and sitting alone thinking about love so hard that it makes you want to cry because it is so pure, so gentle, so strong, so forever.

♡I hope Saturdays bring new ideas and new friends, and old friends who remind you of old ideas.

♡I hope Sundays remind you that to breathe is to acknowledge that God granted breath to his creation in all of his unfathomable and beautiful love.

♡I hope you live every day with intention. I hope you work hard and rest harder and learn to love more and more with every passing day. I hope you drink more water and do more handstands and eat brown sugar out of the bag and jump on newly-made beds and close your eyes and imagine what it will feel like someday to be in love. I hope you watch more stars and run more miles and talk less and feel more. I hope you wake up every day knowing that whatever comes, life is pretty much what you make it.

♡So dream big, but live in the moment.

♡Go on adventures in the mundane, and rest in the chaos.

♡And thank Jesus for all of his grace…it is truly what gives us life and makes life worth living, after all.

18 Lessons in 18 Years

This week I'm celebrating eighteen years of family, hard work, tears, new mornings, surrenders, laughter, music, and a million other things. 

And all the lessons: here are just eighteen I've learned so far! 

1. Our hope must be in Christ. The things we helplessly grip between our fingers in a hopeless attempt to hold on to what we believe will bring us happiness always fails us. And even if it doesn’t, do you really believe that the love that we find in the pursuit of anything or anyone else could compare to the love we find in Jesus? When Christ is our hope, we are free to pursue abundant life as he designed it, and our hearts are protected by the safety of his faithfulness.

2. Life is constantly up and down. I have to remind myself of this often. Sometimes you literally just have to go through a few minutes of pain before things will begin to look up again. Don’t get stuck in the small picture of what is in front of you. Instead, grow through the moment by going through the grief and then living in joy and peace. It will be okay, and it will probably be okay very soon.

3. God is our refuge.  I can’t even begin to go into all of the implications of such a statement. But knowing that in everything we can hide in his open and loving arms can change any situation.

4. Potential is our greatest gift. Can you imagine what would happen if we pushed to our full potential spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally? We could change the world if we used what God has given us. We have the potential to be anything we could ever dream.

5. We have all the knowledge we could ever want at our fingertips. Can we just take a minute and think about this??? We can learn anything we want. I could be a veritable genius at anything (if I put the time/energy into it, of course) just by using info that is readily available to me.

6. When life falls apart, view it as an  opportunity to rebuild life the way you want it. Sometimes your dreams are gonna CRASH, and we need to look at it as a time to ask ourselves what we really want. Then, habit by habit, we are able to rebuild the life that truly reflects our purpose.

7. You are you, and you have to know what that means. You don’t have to accept anything anyone says about you: you know who you are, and that’s enough. You are chosen and beloved by the God of the universe.

8. Your greatest weaknesses are your greatest strengths. Trust me; the same traits that make you unorganized and spontaneous are the same traits that allow you to be creative and flexible. Trust me; the same traits that cause people to tell you that you have no sense of humor or fun are the same traits that allow you to think clearly and logically and practically. And on and on and on. You were created with the most amazing gifts, so stop comparing yourself to what others are or what you think you should be.

9. Run to Jesus first. The Lord has been taking me through this process of challenging me to find my comfort and everything else in him, first. I’m learning that while he has given me the Body of Christ to support me, he wants me to run to him. He is truly the greatest Father, Comforter, and Love.

10. Don’t force feelings. When you are grieving, grieve. And when you don’t want to grieve, don’t try to force it, or feel guilty that you aren't. Go through each feeling fully so that you can heal fully.

11. Laugh with Jesus. God created humor, and I believe sometimes it’s important to share those special moments of laughing over how you were humbled, laughing because of epic fails, etc, etc. God is not some stern entity that can’t identify with us: we are created in his image! He created the beauty of laughing and humor!

12. Travel. The way you allow your brain to be stimulated by new places, cultures, customs, etc. will be the measure that you are able to create and define new ideas in your own life. Traveling is an education  in itself that comes with rewards that are deeply personal.

13. Open your heart to pain. When you listen to someone's pain, it allows them to process through their hurt and continue in their grieving and healing process. They are transferring pain to you, and you will carry it. But it’s worth it. Just give the pain to the Lord and know that you were part of something bigger than yourself.

14. Let your expectations be few. Expect great things in life. Dream. Never settle. But don’t set yourself up for selfish disappointment by feeling entitled or set on having things a certain way. A little contentment goes a long way.

15. Live reflectively. Know your motivation for feeling the way you do, and don’t be afraid of what you’ll find within yourself. A lot of times I find that I lie to myself about my motivation because I don’t want to admit what I’m truly afraid of, or that I’m not brave enough to face what’s truly in my heart. It may take some deep times of reflection and asking yourself questions, and writing, writing, writing!!! But it will be worth it!

16. Don’t be afraid of surrender. What we hold “out of reach” of the Lord will never be truly ours. Only what we surrender will we truly hold, because it will be of his good will for our lives. So often I find myself afraid to give God something because I’m afraid of what he’ll do with it. But the truth is this: he is a good Father who has amazing plans for us!

17. It’s okay to be alone. You can be alone and not lonely; you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. But when you feel this way, count it as an invitation from Jesus to be closer to him than ever before. And when he has you on a path that no one else is taking, you can rejoice that he is preparing you for something unique!

18. Live in adventure. Granted, not every day is going to be filled with road trips and roller coasters and fireworks. But if you have the mindset of adventure, you are ready to embrace every part of life as a new story that will take you places you’ve never been before!

 Eighteen, it's been real. 

Friends & Family, you are seriously incredible.

Jesus...you have been the Love that never lets go of me. I can't wait to go on more adventures with you! 

May my life reflect your glory as I choose to follow you. 

♡♡♡

Through Fire & Water My Jesus Carries Me

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

 The Lord laid these verses on my heart this last week, and at first I was scared. “What is he preparing me for??” were my profound thoughts on the subject. I began to briefly imagine what he could be preparing me for, and it scared me. 

But on one night this week, I suddenly felt myself overwhelmed by exhaustion. I had been running and running, pouring my heart and soul and body into ministry with minimal rest and almost literally no introvert time. I spent one night at home during the week, and as I set my alarm at 1:36 in the morning for five o’clock, it was inevitable that I should inadvertently fall back asleep. I was exhausted, and I missed being home with my family and my books and my instrumental music, and I missed working out and having long talks with my dad and eating food that doesn’t make me feel terrible. In addition, it seemed that everyone had an opinion about my life, and I was a little pulled in a million different directions and opinions.

And suddenly, in the midst of my unsettled thoughts, I suddenly felt the sweetest revelation deep in my soul.

I can rest in my Jesus.

It wasn’t a passing comfort. It wasn’t a desperate plea for anyone or anything to temporarily fill the doubts and emptiness.

It was Christ. I suddenly rested in him, in his outstretched arms. He so delights in me; his excitement when I run to his peace and rest is more than my heart can fathom. I journaled in the dark later that night:

More than anything else, I need Christ. I need his love & his comfort & his refuge, because tonight I am broken & afraid & confused & alone & exhausted, and I want to go home. I want my home, & maybe tonight, my being is crying out to go to my true home, where there will be no more tears, & he will wipe away every hurt & I will see face to face the One who carries me. In this moment, in the fire, through the water: my Jesus carries me. He hides me in his refuge & whispers his love to my heart. It’s going to be okay. More than anything, I have Christ.

I don’t know what your story is. But I do know that he will carry you. You will not always feel it, but that’s okay, because Christ’s love is more than a feeling. It is a truth, and you can eternally rest in the fact that he is carrying you through the water and the fire. 

Oh my dearest friends, will you rest in that? ♡♡♡

It's Tuesday & It's Raining

It’s Tuesday.

It’s raining.

And my heart is a little bit of everything today.

It has joy streaked across in it in vibrant crimsons;

it has wonder at the miracle of today painted in deep hues of blue;

it has a little brokenness and questions penciled in charcoal and grey.

The beauty of all the little things that I love:

The sound of rain and the warmth of fire;

The quiet moments of reading and tea;

The necessary moments of dishes and cooking;

The chosen moments of browsing in the library and practicing piano…

They are so beautiful.

I sat alone today, quietly waiting, the clouds at war with the mountain in front of me and the lightness of a rain-trodden sky. And I thought of the love that Jesus grants to us. I thought of how foolish I am to focus on the words of those around me – letting their words impact me – when there is such an abundance of God’s communication with us. How do I find time to let myself be moved by the words of others when his words are surrounding me and his love is so much more than I could ever seek? There is nothing else that can satisfy me like his love. There is nothing that is worth my attention and time like he is. And his love picks me up in all of its greatness and makes me more than I could ever ask or imagine.

It’s Tuesday.

It’s raining.

My Refuge

{Psalm 91:1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.}

Jesus is my love. My life. My everything.

And, as I've been learning lately, my refuge. 

In the midst of our insecurities, in the midst of our fears, in the midst of our guilt and our shame, he stands with open arms. 

When we're afraid that we're not enough, afraid that someone will leave, afraid that we will never find a place to call home, he is there. 

When I cry alone, he is there.

When I'm with lots of people and don't know what to say or how to say it, he is there. 

When I sit and wonder if I can do what God is calling me to do, he is there. 

On the days when I workout and actually do my hair and study stats, he is there, and when I'm lazy and do one pushup and leave my hair a curly mess and "study" Pinterest (*wink, wink*), he's there.

He is there, and I can run and throw myself into his arms. 

He is there, and I can hide from the chaos surrounding my mind.

He is there, because he loves me completely and with no reserves. 

He is my refuge, and in that moment, that is all I need.

He is my refuge, and that is enough.

♡♡♡

His Thoughts Toward Me

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! (NASB) ~Psalm 139:17

"God what are your thoughts toward me?"

The question stemmed from so many things. I want to be loved. I want approval. I want to feel happy. And I look for those things in every place. I try to numb myself with entertainment, I try to keep busy so I don't have time to think about what's hurting me, I try to be prettier and skinnier and all of that. 

And all this time, I've been ignoring the very thing that will set me free.

His love.

Take a minute. Close your eyes, and imagine what God is thinking towards you. Try to recall the Bible verses that you used to memorize before you got too busy. I'll tell you my version at this very moment.

"Sara, I'm never going to leave you or forsake you. My plans for you are good. I have loved you with an everlasting love! When I have tried you, you shall come out as gold. Seek me with your whole heart." 

Every single statement there came directly from his word. That is why we must constantly be soaking up his word, we must devour it and hold onto it and obsess over it. It will replace the old thoughts -- the thoughts that nag at you. You know what I'm talking about. The thoughts of someone not caring anymore, the thoughts of jealousy, the thoughts of "wait, I need to do this and that and this and that and let me not forget to feed the chipmunks and watch this movie because this actress is in it and God-forbid I should miss that..." JUST STOP.

The King; let me say that again; THE KING, yeah the KING is thinking about you. He thinks about you more than you think about that person you really love, he thinks about you more than you think about how you wish you had a better life. We have all we need in him, friends. Why, oh why, do we search for it in other places? 

His love will drown everything else out. It will quiet your fears and depression and will give you a reason to live. I'll leave you with this little memory. 

It was about a month ago, and I was anticipating a really hard year. The short version of it all is that I had to pretty much sacrifice some dreams that were years and years in the making. And it hurt. Really bad. I'm tearing up thinking about it right now. 

"God, I can't do this alone. The only way I can get through this is if you don't leave me."

And I remembered that verse.

"Sara, I will never leave you or forsake you."

"Well then, so be it."

Imagine what he's saying to you. Find his promises and his commands that he's impressed in your heart. It will always change. Psalm 139 goes on to say, "If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." 

Oh friends! He is here with us! He loves us SOOOOO MUCH! How can I make you believe that? I wish I could hold all of you close to me and whisper in your ear how much he loves you. But I don't need to. God is already doing that. Will you listen? Will you get alone with him and seek him with all your heart? He will satisfy your soul. He will. 

I love you all and am praying that you would find all you need in Jesus' loving arms. 

A life he loves,

Sara