Experiencing Bulgaria: Missionary Musing

 I was thrown into the wreckage of a thousand stories of abandonment, despair, poverty. Yet I was also thrown directly into the path of hope: redemption raining down upon a country wrought with stale Communism and spiritual darkness. I saw pain here; yet I also saw more aliveness in Christ, more fervency in spirit, more pouring out of lives for ministry than most people will ever encounter. The story does not end with despair; rather, it ends with great, great hope and anticipation. There are solutions; they are being implemented. Children are finding families, young girls are finding homes. And I? I found a land that has imprinted itself upon my heart. I found a people I deeply deeply love. I found grace in the eyes of Jesus. I found spiritual reawakening in my heart. Bulgaria is coming alive, one lesson, one word, one touch at a time. The work Changing a Generation is doing in Bulgaria has real, eternal implications reaching far beyond this generation. The children being rescued through these programs will teach their children the same, and their children’s children’s children will hear the Gospel. One generation can change the entire country. Bulgaria, you have left permanent footsteps upon my heart. I will never be the same. We will forever continue to fight for you.

Here Is The Hope: Bulgaria 2019

I’ve been living in Bulgaria for two weeks.

My purpose in coming here was to write a series of articles. I am writing heart-breaking stories of horror, of nameless depravity, of seemingly endless cycles of poverty and hopelessness. Yet they are also laced with divine redemption. Of supernatural change. Of hope.

One story I wrote was of a girl who at two years old watched her father beat her younger brother to death when he would not stop crying. Now fifteen years old, she is dating a twenty-year-old man, who uses her freely in exchange for his “acceptance” and “love.”

Another sweet girl is fifteen years old. She was sold by a family member to sex traffickers for money. No one knows where she is.

These are just two examples.

One of the sweetest children I have ever met, was hungry, was beaten, was taken to an orphanage. Yet God’s redemption has him placed in a godly foster home, learning and becoming a godly young man who gives and loves with all his heart.

Here is the hope.

Even here, in a joyless nation, with spiritual darkness hovering over its borders, the Lord is at work.

In my heart, He is at work. “Jesus, I feel like we’re in a new place in our relationship.”

I am learning to speak to people, I am learning how to walk in freedom. I am falling in love with reading God’s Words. I am learning grace in a new way. I am finding my place.

This is another one of my randomly rambling posts. I wanted to document what I’ve been learning, to express to whoever reads this what I am seeing.

I’m sure I could sum this all up neatly with some cliché ending, and maybe this is it. 

Or maybe not.

There is more to Jesus than you see, and there is more in your heart that He desires to do. I hope you know that. I hope you let Him scrape off the scabs that have built on your heart, to let Him hold your raw and red heart in His hands. You can trust Him.

That’s all.

He loves you.

To Know Jesus

I feel this insatiable ache rising up in the people around me. I feel it resonating in the heartbeats of a few chosen people surrounding me. I see it through their pain, in their mundane, in the sacrifices they are willing to make. 

It is a hunger, a desire, to know God and understand his love. Have we understood his love? Has it shaken us beyond belief and left us helpless in its power and strengthened in its gentleness? 

Pain drives me to my Jesus, makes me experience his love in ways I cannot explain. It fills my heart beyond belief. 

The time I remember his peace in the most comprehensive way was in a foreign country, only days after my grandmother passed away, surrounded by chaos and blinded by grief. 

One of the times I felt my heart bound in love and being loved by Jesus was during a drive where I was ugly crying alone and begging God to answer the “WHY?” shouting from the confusion in my lungs. In that moment he surrounded me. 

Do we need this pain to suddenly become aware of his healing? I have craved pain because I craved his presence. I WANT HIM. I want to know him and be like him. I want to follow his leading without fear and be able to leave my tiny anxieties in the hands that know no bound of pain. I saw it last night, in the pain of a friend. She stood there, and spoke of loss and her hunger for the Lord in the same breath. I heard it last week, when the man I love expressed his desire to just be with Jesus- to spend time with him for awhile, taking no thought of the expense. It’s in the words of a text I received this morning: “I have this desire to just fall head over heels in love with Jesus and I’ve been asking him how that happens.”

How does it happen, Jesus? Can we sustain your presence when you fulfill the desires of our heart? Can we pursue you with fires in our hearts when we are lazy or apathetic or complacent? Does it always take pain?

I feel unqualified to speak, because I need Jesus. I have not been faithful in pursuing him with ALL of my heart. I have been selfish, distracted, and comfortable.

So, my King and my Lord,

Will you light the fire beneath these few you have chosen?

We will not fear the pain, if that is what is required to KNOW YOU.

We want to come into your kingdom and hear “well done” from your lips.

We want your love to be the filling of our cup and the overflowing of our souls.

We want you.

If you’re reading this, if you feel this ache in your soul, or even if you desire to WANT him, join me. Join me in pursuing him at all costs. Wake up earlier to have uninterrupted time with Jesus. Read his Word and apply it. Ask him to help you, because inspiration and motivation will not help you to succeed. They will help you to start, but it will take much more than good intentions. It will take discipline, and we NEED the Holy Spirit to give us faithful, consistent, steady hearts.

Jesus is our love, and he longs to participate in relationship with us. He draws near to those who draw near to him. Pure and simple. We are the only ones limiting our relationship with him.

Join me.

Truly Grace

A Nativity Story

The sky was the color of deep silver water and cobalt shadows that night. Soon the sky would darken into a gray blush of dusk and darkness, but for now I breathed the sweet winter air and calmed my heart beating a staccato of fear in my chest.
“Mary!”
My sweet friend Priscilla waltzed across the barren street and pulled me into a hug. Her eyes involuntarily looked towards my growing abdomen. She was the only friend I had told before I had gone to stay with my Aunt Elizabeth for three months.
“Have you told Joseph?”
“No.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to explain how many nights I had lain awake, crying softly, praying that Joseph would understand. That his faith would be stronger than his reason. That the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob would speak to him as he had spoken to me. I was carrying the Savior of the world. Surely God would help him to understand. But oh…the horror of the possibility that he would believe I had been unfaithful. It made me sick, for I loved this stable leader who had been chosen to be my husband. We were supposed to be married that winter, and I would begin to share his life. This dream – to share his life – had undergone so much in the last few months. At some moments I was at peace, believing that God would surely provide a way, even here, for there to be understanding. Other times I felt fear make me nauseous, terrified of the horror and consequences of bearing a child that was not mine.
“How will you tell him?”
“I may not have to.” My slight frame showed evidence in ways I struggled to hide.
Priscilla nodded, the darkness falling faster now, like snow, blurring the fine lines of sunset and shadows.
“You should get home. May the Lord be with you, my sister.”
“And with you,” I whispered.

I slipped into my father’s house silently. My mother stood in front of the fire, alone, preparing a meal.
“Mary, my daughter. Welcome home.”
My mother placed a hand on my shoulder and let her eyes run over my figure.
“Joseph is coming tonight.”
“Is he home?”
“He came home several days ago, and your uncle sent word you would be home today. I’m sure he is anxious to see you.”
My stomach flipped, flipped again, my heart shuddering and crying out within me.
“Oh, my God and Lord, please, please let Joseph believe me.”
I moved to my little room towards the back of the house. I hung up two of my dresses carefully, and unrolled the soft woven straw mat. I laid on it, tracing the smooth dirt floor with my finger. From the front room, I heard a stern knock on the heavy wooden door. Immediately I felt my heart begin to violently beat. I heard the kind, steady voice of my betrothed.
“She’s in her room,” I heard my mother answer. Footsteps. My stomach was twisting, painful and sharp, and I felt sick. Joseph stopped in the doorway, and I met his eyes with so much confusion and hesitation and fear that I saw his face immediately turn into questioning concern.
“You must be tired,” was all he said, however.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and I tried to brush it away with my fingers, but more began to pour. “Mary…”
I stood up shakily to my feet and turned away from him.
“I’m so, so sorry, Joseph.”
There was silence. He was waiting, perhaps, waiting to hear what I had done. Ohhh how could something so miraculous, so wonderful, be so incredibly painful?
I began to sob, and slowly he came closer, standing behind me and waiting.
“Joseph, I’m…I’m going to have a baby.”
Still silence, but I could tell he had been shocked into silence: cold, severe, unmitigated silence that held so much hurt I could feel it surround me.
“You…?” There was agony in his voice.
I shook my head. “No, no… you have to believe me.”
A measure of relief, yet still his voice was etched with questioning.
“Were you…?”
“No… nothing.”
“Then…?”
Sobs were shaking my body then, and I couldn’t speak. Suddenly his strong, strong arms were encircling my waist, pulling me against him. He turned me to face him, brushed the wet hair away from my eyes. It steadied me, helped me to breathe again. Taking a deep, gasping breath, I tried to calm myself. He took my face in his hands, and his voice was steady, but I could see the weight of the revelation in his eyes. We both knew I could be put to death, and he would be the first to cast a stone. I saw the pain of it in his eyes, and it was in that moment I grasped the depth of his love for me. A shooting, piercing pain tore through my body.
“You’ve always, always told me the truth, Mary. Please, my dear one, tell me.”
“You won’t believe me,” I said.
“I don’t believe this,” he said, as if to himself.
“I… an angel came to me. He- he told me I would become the mother of Jesus, the foretold Messiah.”
Silence. I could fairly see the battle roaring through his eyes. It was so…so incredible. Yet, why would I be chosen? It was possible, yet how could it be proven? They would say he was naïve, so naïve to believe my story. Yet I had never been dishonest with Joseph.
Finally Joseph groaned and ran his fingers through his hair.
For a moment his  eyes locked with mine, and I could see the purest love shining through the chaos in his mind. At last he turned to go. At the doorway, he looked back, but he would not meet my eyes. Again he turned, and again I was alone in my room.
“Oh, Lord,” I prayed, “as you have worked a miracle within me, so work a miracle in the man I love.”
And I had peace.

It was two days later, and the sun was once against resting on the mountains in the distance, waiting for a tiny moment to show one last ray of sweet light before dipping lightly into the cool night.
Bowls of savory food sat ready on the table, and I bowed my head and waited until my father had blessed the food. We said amen; the door burst open. Joseph stood there, his eyes pools of excitement.
“Mary, come with me.”
I pushed back from the table, grabbed a shawl from a peg near the door, and slipped out into the resting twilight. It was calm outside, strangely contrasting with the energy emanating from the man walking quickly beside me. He had only taken a few strides before he looked at me, joy flowing into those steady eyes, tears mixing with their expression.
“Mary, oh Mary,” he said, and his voice was warm and soft. He reached for my hand, his eyes staring intently into mine.
“An angel appeared to me in a dream. He confirmed all that you told me.”
A tear slipped down Joseph’s face, and I felt God’s grace break over my soul.
“Oh Mary. . . I thought I would have to live this life without you. I thought . . . I thought so many things. But now – oh glory to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, who has chosen us to bear His Son. Glory to His Name, that He would choose us.”
I placed my hand over the place the Son of God was beginning to grow inside of me. Truly, truly, this was grace, that He would choose us. Truly, truly, this was grace.

Here

What’s on my heart?

A million things, I acknowledge. 

The days are busy, involved; I suppose sometimes I assume my heart has no time to 

breathe. 

Reflect. 

Remember. 

Learn. 

Grow.

I get so consumed with the maintenance and the moments I forget 

the purpose. 

The beauty.

Inhale, exhale.

What’s on my heart?

Some of the lessons I learned days and days ago are once again inching their way into my heart. 

Jesus is beckoning me closer, calling me to deeper fellowship and love. 

Oh Jesus, how do I wander so far away from you? I’m pursuing good things, yet in the midst of them I lose our closeness. Forgive me, Jesus.

 I’m learning humility…again…

oh Lord, why is this lesson so hard?        

Even this morning he reminded me He’s my refuge. And I remember months and months ago when I learned to hide there, in his presence, away from the chaos surrounding me. 

When did I forget, Jesus? When did I forget I can run to you and hide?

He’s refining my heart, bringing me to repentance. 

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

He’s building new things within me: Run to ME, Sara, first. This burden you’re carrying is too heavy for you. The pressure is too much. Let me handle it. Let me handle it.

I’m learning to see the beauty around me. Yesterday I complained to myself the whole day. Felt anger. Felt my joy seep out of me, replaced with frustration. Anger. Fear.  

Oh Lord, today I choose joy. Today I choose to be aware of your blessings.

So here, in the crowded moments and chaos of this season, I raise my head. I remember how much He’s done. I choose to walk in his joy, his humility, his gifts, his wisdom.

These are beautiful days: learning to sing and dance before Jesus fulfills his promises. Before he whispers what the next step is. This is where living happens, where growth is multiplied, where beauty is born. 

I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand…”

What’s on your heart?

This Road We're On

We were staying in the Wisconsin Dells that night. It was August, 2017, and my family and I were en route to Chicago on a family vacation. I remember sitting in the dark car with my dad, tears pouring down my face. It didn’t make sense, none of it did. My heart was broken, broken with the weight of things that seemed so big, so insurmountable, so final.

It’s August, 2018. The glow from my laptop illuminates my otherwise dark room, and I sit here, a completely different person.

I haven’t written a blog post like this in a while. But an idea started to pulse in my mind a while ago, and I’m exhausted right now, but this is important. I want to talk about this walk with Jesus we’re on.

It’s lonely.

It’s Tuesday mornings waking up and feeling like you’re the only one in your friend group who’s not in your dream college. It’s Sunday mornings crying “there’s nothing here for me….why am I still here?” It’s Monday night, driving home alone and desperately crying, surrendering with a heart that is confused and scared, but whispering, shouting, crying that you still trust Jesus, though you do not understand.

My life hasn’t made a lot of sense. It’s had a lot of twists and turns, and the thought occurs to me frequently: this walk, following Jesus, is lonely.

You feel this, don’t you? You, too, are on a path mapped out for only you, with hurts that others will never understand and scars that only you see. You too, are on a path that violently turns and bends and leaves you asking, “God, I trusted you; why am I here?”

Oh my friends, let your hope rest fully in the Lord, within these feelings. Let your trust grow exponentially in his grace and goodness.

Because a lonely road is one that makes you own your faith. One that makes you the kind of person who can change the world for Christ. A lonely road is the very road that leads you to the most beautiful relationship with Christ that is literally peace and joy and rest and friendship and love that will bring you to tears. A lonely road is the road where you will feel the least lonely, really.

And there were other days, days that existed only because I had trusted Jesus with my entire heart. Days that only made sense inside of this walk that seemed so foreign to God’s apparent plan for the rest of mankind.

African rainstorms.

Cross-country drives.

Worship sessions.

Dancing.

Long talks with close friends.

Forgiveness.

And amidst all of the moments, the ones that broke me and the ones that made my heart rejoice, there were the moments with Jesus. His guidance. His discipline. Laughing together. Checking in. Apologizing. Praying, as to a friend, as to a divine Savior. Worshiping with a heart that might threaten to burst with joy.

I’m grateful for the times my heart broke, with death, or confusion, or hurt. I’m grateful for the deepest moments of joy I’ve ever experienced and the grief that made me run ever more to Jesus. These days have stretched me in more ways than I thought possible; it has been one thing after another of unexpected.

Very unexpected.

Except for one thing.

Jesus.

So be grateful when you're the only one. Rejoice when you're the only one doing the right thing. Walk in praise when it literally makes no sense, at all, whatsoever.

Because there is Jesus.

There with you and me through it all.

Through our mistakes and awkwardness and questions and doubt and insecurity and grasping ignorantly for approval in places that were never meant to define our identity. 

He was there. He always has been. And he always will be.

{I love You, Jesus. More than I can put into words. You alone have brought me this far. Your grace has covered my mistakes, and your truth heals the rawest wounds I’ve ever experienced. You are so incredibly good to me, and this life will be beautiful because of one thing: your presence. I may be the only one taking this path, but I look up, and there you are, walking beside me, because you love me with the deepest and truest love that strips away all of the words and all of the actions and all of the lies and pride and feelings and leaves a breathtaking view of only…

 your grace.}

"I Hope..."

♡I hope the word “living” takes your breath away.

♡I hope you think of Monday morning and think of brand new opportunity and productivity and grace and favor and adventure.

♡I hope Tuesdays bring you rest and reflection, learning more than you ever thought you could about yourself and your purpose.

♡I hope Wednesdays bring hard work and scrunched-up-face-smiles and dance-around-the-room-with-your-favorite-song kind of happiness.

♡I hope Thursdays remind you of beautiful rainy days that wash your heart clean from all the bitterness and rejection and pain.

♡I hope Fridays bring fireworks and friends and sitting alone thinking about love so hard that it makes you want to cry because it is so pure, so gentle, so strong, so forever.

♡I hope Saturdays bring new ideas and new friends, and old friends who remind you of old ideas.

♡I hope Sundays remind you that to breathe is to acknowledge that God granted breath to his creation in all of his unfathomable and beautiful love.

♡I hope you live every day with intention. I hope you work hard and rest harder and learn to love more and more with every passing day. I hope you drink more water and do more handstands and eat brown sugar out of the bag and jump on newly-made beds and close your eyes and imagine what it will feel like someday to be in love. I hope you watch more stars and run more miles and talk less and feel more. I hope you wake up every day knowing that whatever comes, life is pretty much what you make it.

♡So dream big, but live in the moment.

♡Go on adventures in the mundane, and rest in the chaos.

♡And thank Jesus for all of his grace…it is truly what gives us life and makes life worth living, after all.

18 Lessons in 18 Years

This week I'm celebrating eighteen years of family, hard work, tears, new mornings, surrenders, laughter, music, and a million other things. 

And all the lessons: here are just eighteen I've learned so far! 

1. Our hope must be in Christ. The things we helplessly grip between our fingers in a hopeless attempt to hold on to what we believe will bring us happiness always fails us. And even if it doesn’t, do you really believe that the love that we find in the pursuit of anything or anyone else could compare to the love we find in Jesus? When Christ is our hope, we are free to pursue abundant life as he designed it, and our hearts are protected by the safety of his faithfulness.

2. Life is constantly up and down. I have to remind myself of this often. Sometimes you literally just have to go through a few minutes of pain before things will begin to look up again. Don’t get stuck in the small picture of what is in front of you. Instead, grow through the moment by going through the grief and then living in joy and peace. It will be okay, and it will probably be okay very soon.

3. God is our refuge.  I can’t even begin to go into all of the implications of such a statement. But knowing that in everything we can hide in his open and loving arms can change any situation.

4. Potential is our greatest gift. Can you imagine what would happen if we pushed to our full potential spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally? We could change the world if we used what God has given us. We have the potential to be anything we could ever dream.

5. We have all the knowledge we could ever want at our fingertips. Can we just take a minute and think about this??? We can learn anything we want. I could be a veritable genius at anything (if I put the time/energy into it, of course) just by using info that is readily available to me.

6. When life falls apart, view it as an  opportunity to rebuild life the way you want it. Sometimes your dreams are gonna CRASH, and we need to look at it as a time to ask ourselves what we really want. Then, habit by habit, we are able to rebuild the life that truly reflects our purpose.

7. You are you, and you have to know what that means. You don’t have to accept anything anyone says about you: you know who you are, and that’s enough. You are chosen and beloved by the God of the universe.

8. Your greatest weaknesses are your greatest strengths. Trust me; the same traits that make you unorganized and spontaneous are the same traits that allow you to be creative and flexible. Trust me; the same traits that cause people to tell you that you have no sense of humor or fun are the same traits that allow you to think clearly and logically and practically. And on and on and on. You were created with the most amazing gifts, so stop comparing yourself to what others are or what you think you should be.

9. Run to Jesus first. The Lord has been taking me through this process of challenging me to find my comfort and everything else in him, first. I’m learning that while he has given me the Body of Christ to support me, he wants me to run to him. He is truly the greatest Father, Comforter, and Love.

10. Don’t force feelings. When you are grieving, grieve. And when you don’t want to grieve, don’t try to force it, or feel guilty that you aren't. Go through each feeling fully so that you can heal fully.

11. Laugh with Jesus. God created humor, and I believe sometimes it’s important to share those special moments of laughing over how you were humbled, laughing because of epic fails, etc, etc. God is not some stern entity that can’t identify with us: we are created in his image! He created the beauty of laughing and humor!

12. Travel. The way you allow your brain to be stimulated by new places, cultures, customs, etc. will be the measure that you are able to create and define new ideas in your own life. Traveling is an education  in itself that comes with rewards that are deeply personal.

13. Open your heart to pain. When you listen to someone's pain, it allows them to process through their hurt and continue in their grieving and healing process. They are transferring pain to you, and you will carry it. But it’s worth it. Just give the pain to the Lord and know that you were part of something bigger than yourself.

14. Let your expectations be few. Expect great things in life. Dream. Never settle. But don’t set yourself up for selfish disappointment by feeling entitled or set on having things a certain way. A little contentment goes a long way.

15. Live reflectively. Know your motivation for feeling the way you do, and don’t be afraid of what you’ll find within yourself. A lot of times I find that I lie to myself about my motivation because I don’t want to admit what I’m truly afraid of, or that I’m not brave enough to face what’s truly in my heart. It may take some deep times of reflection and asking yourself questions, and writing, writing, writing!!! But it will be worth it!

16. Don’t be afraid of surrender. What we hold “out of reach” of the Lord will never be truly ours. Only what we surrender will we truly hold, because it will be of his good will for our lives. So often I find myself afraid to give God something because I’m afraid of what he’ll do with it. But the truth is this: he is a good Father who has amazing plans for us!

17. It’s okay to be alone. You can be alone and not lonely; you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. But when you feel this way, count it as an invitation from Jesus to be closer to him than ever before. And when he has you on a path that no one else is taking, you can rejoice that he is preparing you for something unique!

18. Live in adventure. Granted, not every day is going to be filled with road trips and roller coasters and fireworks. But if you have the mindset of adventure, you are ready to embrace every part of life as a new story that will take you places you’ve never been before!

 Eighteen, it's been real. 

Friends & Family, you are seriously incredible.

Jesus...you have been the Love that never lets go of me. I can't wait to go on more adventures with you! 

May my life reflect your glory as I choose to follow you. 

♡♡♡

Through Fire & Water My Jesus Carries Me

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.

 The Lord laid these verses on my heart this last week, and at first I was scared. “What is he preparing me for??” were my profound thoughts on the subject. I began to briefly imagine what he could be preparing me for, and it scared me. 

But on one night this week, I suddenly felt myself overwhelmed by exhaustion. I had been running and running, pouring my heart and soul and body into ministry with minimal rest and almost literally no introvert time. I spent one night at home during the week, and as I set my alarm at 1:36 in the morning for five o’clock, it was inevitable that I should inadvertently fall back asleep. I was exhausted, and I missed being home with my family and my books and my instrumental music, and I missed working out and having long talks with my dad and eating food that doesn’t make me feel terrible. In addition, it seemed that everyone had an opinion about my life, and I was a little pulled in a million different directions and opinions.

And suddenly, in the midst of my unsettled thoughts, I suddenly felt the sweetest revelation deep in my soul.

I can rest in my Jesus.

It wasn’t a passing comfort. It wasn’t a desperate plea for anyone or anything to temporarily fill the doubts and emptiness.

It was Christ. I suddenly rested in him, in his outstretched arms. He so delights in me; his excitement when I run to his peace and rest is more than my heart can fathom. I journaled in the dark later that night:

More than anything else, I need Christ. I need his love & his comfort & his refuge, because tonight I am broken & afraid & confused & alone & exhausted, and I want to go home. I want my home, & maybe tonight, my being is crying out to go to my true home, where there will be no more tears, & he will wipe away every hurt & I will see face to face the One who carries me. In this moment, in the fire, through the water: my Jesus carries me. He hides me in his refuge & whispers his love to my heart. It’s going to be okay. More than anything, I have Christ.

I don’t know what your story is. But I do know that he will carry you. You will not always feel it, but that’s okay, because Christ’s love is more than a feeling. It is a truth, and you can eternally rest in the fact that he is carrying you through the water and the fire. 

Oh my dearest friends, will you rest in that? ♡♡♡

It's Tuesday & It's Raining

It’s Tuesday.

It’s raining.

And my heart is a little bit of everything today.

It has joy streaked across in it in vibrant crimsons;

it has wonder at the miracle of today painted in deep hues of blue;

it has a little brokenness and questions penciled in charcoal and grey.

The beauty of all the little things that I love:

The sound of rain and the warmth of fire;

The quiet moments of reading and tea;

The necessary moments of dishes and cooking;

The chosen moments of browsing in the library and practicing piano…

They are so beautiful.

I sat alone today, quietly waiting, the clouds at war with the mountain in front of me and the lightness of a rain-trodden sky. And I thought of the love that Jesus grants to us. I thought of how foolish I am to focus on the words of those around me – letting their words impact me – when there is such an abundance of God’s communication with us. How do I find time to let myself be moved by the words of others when his words are surrounding me and his love is so much more than I could ever seek? There is nothing else that can satisfy me like his love. There is nothing that is worth my attention and time like he is. And his love picks me up in all of its greatness and makes me more than I could ever ask or imagine.

It’s Tuesday.

It’s raining.

Resolutions {[(2018)]}

New Year’s Resolutions 2018

If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.

-Thomas A. Edison

Just remember, motivation will start as soon as you do. Get up and get started, and you’ll do more than you can imagine.

One hour of productivity: This is the hour where you drink your first two cups of water, put a load of laundry in, make important phone calls, do ministry business, plan out the rest of your day, do dishes, clean room, and meet deadlines. (Goal: no procrastination, cough, cough)

One hour of skill improvement: This is for honing writing skills, learning a foreign language, playing the piano, etc. (Goal: Learn basics on guitar, sharpen piano skills, become significantly more fluent in German, finish FOMC novel, etc. [make sure to define these goals so that you have something to aim for.])

One hour of reading: This creates new neural pathways in the brain, improves memory, widens knowledge, and stimulates new ideas and thought processes. It will relax you and give you an effortless education. ( www.lifehack.org)   (Goal: 50 books/ about one book a week)

Time with the Lord: Time with your best friend. Write letters, read his, laugh, talk together, go on hikes, seek him on your knees, worship him in spirit and truth. There is no agenda in this; you are literally to just delight yourself in the Lord and bask in his goodness and love. (Goal: Since staying active in God’s Word is such a huge part of growing and staying in the game, you should aim to be reading at least a chapter a day if not more. However, quality time is better than quantity, so adjust accordingly.)

Advanced writing skills: This is your few minutes out of the day where you write about any topic as intelligently and precisely as possible with the highest vocabulary you can muster. It may sound forced and unprofessional at first, but with practice I know you’ll thank yourself for these few extra minutes. (Goal: become a better writer that can imitate writing styles of others and communicate professionally.)

Fitness time: This is your “you” time to work out or stretch. Workouts will happen roughly every other day. Work the muscle group that is not sore. :) Please also take one or two days in between to stretch and relax those muscles. (Goal: 150 workouts/ about 3 workouts a week)

Social media at a minimum: Maybe once a day, preferably less. If you want to talk to a friend, call them. There is no reason for you to scroll through everyone’s days and begin to feel overwhelmed/ jealous/ depressed. It isn’t real, and it isn’t something that will contribute to your happiness. If you can’t limit yourself, social media goes goodbye. ;)

Always be learning: Always! Traveling, reading, talking, writing, thinking. Your brain needs to be constantly stimulated.

Redefine your goals: This happens once a month. You may end up in a foreign country or at school or working, and your goals will need to adjust. These are basic guidelines, and not scriptural truth. They can adjust!

Well, other than that, stay present, laugh a lot, and don’t be afraid. Push to your full potential: spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially. You can always do and be more than you think. And remember: God’s love and guidance is enough.

Happy 2018!

Melanie's Mountain

{A Christmas Story}

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“Keep hiking!” Jamie hollered back at her.

She made sure his back was turned before giving the most exaggerated eye-roll she could muster. The man was infuriating. She tripped, again, over apparently nothing. But who could know, with the massive layer of snow that crunched beneath and melted into her boots? This wasn’t exactly how she had planned on spending her Christmas.

The other hikers seemed far more capable of taking on the ice-cold, brutal hike. Emily jogged back towards her. (How was this girl jogging?? She was having trouble even walking.)

“You doing okay, Melanie?”

“Yeah, sure, totally.”

“Hey. Just keep going, we’re almost to the top.”

Melanie tried not to think about the fact that they weren’t even half way. Didn’t these crazy people know that “the top” was the half way point? Unless, of course, she fell down the steep mountain thing they were climbing. In that case, her hike would be almost over and her residence in the hospital would be just beginning. She took a deep breath and began the endless mental process of berating herself.

C’mon Melanie, why are you this sarcastic? You constantly make yourself miserable. When did this start?

She started to answer her own silent question with a whispered answer, but stopped right after she started. It was too painful; she couldn’t say it. The crack on the edge of her heart sunk a little deeper.

Jesus, I can’t do this. Please help me.

She knew that God would understand the implication of her plea. She didn’t need help with the climbing, just like she didn’t need help driving to school every day and picking up groceries and working and homework and running. But even the mundane every day things were like solid weights dragging at her heart, ripping it apart and making it bleed in these moments. It wasn’t the little things that killed her; it was the heaviness and aching of her heart that made every action ten thousand times harder. She wasn’t begging for help to finish the hike, she was begging for him to carry her through this season.

Jamie turned, hollered down the mountain slope. “We did it!” 

Melanie stumbled the last few steps and turned. The view made her gasp a little. The city lights were illuminated in every feathery spiral of snow. The sky was clear, even though it was lightly snowing. The stars were blinking their glowing patterns of calm and wild paradoxes into the deep blackness of the December night. The glow of their flashlights flickered into darkness as each person in the group reverently turned them off and gazed at the wonder of the city at night, decorated in scintillating beauty.

“Wow, it makes it all worth it, doesn’t it?”

Emily turned towards her. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”

“Yeah, well, it came out before I could stop it. I don’t want Jamie to have the satisfaction of knowing my change of heart.”

Jason laughed. “Jamie, hear that? Apparently for once in your life you’re right.”

“And Melanie was wrong,” Jamie said smugly.

Melanie gritted her teeth and smiled. “Right.”

Jamie laughed. “Melanie, I should probably tell you something now."

"Now?"

"Well, you were getting on my nerves with all your complaining."

“I was getting on your nerves?”

“Well, I always enjoy this hike, and you were kind of bringing down the Christmas spirit.”

“Right.”

“Anyway, I decided not to tell you to make you suffer a little more.”

“What, Jamie?” It came out exasperated. If he kept skirting the question he might find himself taking this mountain 9.8 meters per second squared – meaning, gravity was going to take him all the way down by means of her shove if he didn’t stop this immediately.

Jamie grinned infuriatingly and walked farther. Melanie threw her hands up, and turned to Emily. But before she could complain, Jamie was back, several sleds in tow. Melanie gaped, too relieved and surprised to remember how much she hated Jamie at the moment. Jamie handed off the other sleds and dragged the last over to Melanie. He sat carefully, his mittened hand holding the ropes as he motioned for her to sit in front of him. Melanie tentatively sat on the front edge of the sled, waiting for the terrifying rush of the downhill descent. But, unlike Jamie’s usually impulsive and reckless self, he paused. “You ready?” If Melanie had heard right, there was actually something like gentleness in the tone he used. She nodded, and then suddenly they were off, flying down the hill ridiculously fast, her hands gripping the edges of the wood, Jamie’s arms securely around her shoulders, steering the sled. She let out a scream, albeit a delighted one, as the cold December air hit her face and rushed past in a wild display of speed and thrill. Jamie let out a whoop and purposely veered the sled to the sides. Melanie let out a yelp. “I’m going to be killed!”

“Oh, you’re fine!” Jamie was no longer sympathetic, apparently.

Melanie shrugged and felt the rush of the snow beneath her, the strength in Jamie’s arms as he guided the sled, the bitterness of the air brushing her cheeks with its frosty temper. They were at the bottom of the hill far too quickly, and they sat at the foot of the slope. Melanie tried to calm her quick breaths, tried to calm her heartbeat, tried to wipe off the ridiculous grin that wouldn’t get off of her face.

She was about to stand when Jamie’s voice stopped her. It was soft, comforting.

“You know Melanie, I don’t know what you’re going through right now. But I hope you realize that sometimes life is like that long climb. It’s cold, it’s heartless, it’s long. But the view at the top is worth it. I hope you know that. And, Melanie…”

Melanie managed to mumble a “hmm?” through her tears.

His voice was a whisper. “There are always the good times that come after the hard ones. I hope you hold on to Jesus for the climb so he can take you on a beautiful ride of your life. You would have never gotten this ride without the climb.”

“I understand,” Melanie whispered.

Jamie’s voice was teasing again. “Guess this means that you’ll climb up again, huh?”

“Nope, you rotten egg head, I want some hot chocolate.”

“Alright kid, hot chocolate it is. But since when was I a rotten egg head? You’re the one with the sour mood all the time. And admit it, this ride cured you.”

“We all know you didn’t plan this trip to cure my mood.”

“Well, at least I don’t have a mood like yours.”

Well, Jamie was back. Strange, he could fluctuate between serious and stupid in less than two seconds. Melanie’s heart was light as they walked back into the city lights.

But Melanie never quite left the mountain. For it was there that she learned that to climb is to journey to the next adventure. It took the climb to see the view, to see the purpose of every scar. It was from that place that she could begin the next step of her life. And no matter the pain, God was working everything for her good. And that was enough. 

My Refuge

{Psalm 91:1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.}

Jesus is my love. My life. My everything.

And, as I've been learning lately, my refuge. 

In the midst of our insecurities, in the midst of our fears, in the midst of our guilt and our shame, he stands with open arms. 

When we're afraid that we're not enough, afraid that someone will leave, afraid that we will never find a place to call home, he is there. 

When I cry alone, he is there.

When I'm with lots of people and don't know what to say or how to say it, he is there. 

When I sit and wonder if I can do what God is calling me to do, he is there. 

On the days when I workout and actually do my hair and study stats, he is there, and when I'm lazy and do one pushup and leave my hair a curly mess and "study" Pinterest (*wink, wink*), he's there.

He is there, and I can run and throw myself into his arms. 

He is there, and I can hide from the chaos surrounding my mind.

He is there, because he loves me completely and with no reserves. 

He is my refuge, and in that moment, that is all I need.

He is my refuge, and that is enough.

♡♡♡

Here. I. Am.

It's been seven weeks.
I never thought I'd survive this long, but here I am, typing away, seven weeks later.
So I guess I was wrong.
I was wrong about a lot of things.
See, I didn't know that dreams could break your heart.
But they can.

"Maybe..you're not supposed to go to college this year."
I felt sick. I felt a feeling that I had never had before, sinking a hole into my stomach.
Not go to college? I've been working to go to college for almost ten years.
It didn't help that all my friends were leaving in bunches to go to the schools I wanted to go to.
I applied to ten colleges.
I had the grades.
I had the scholarships.
But I didn't have the direction.
I had prayed ceaselessly that God would show me where I was supposed to be, and I thought for sure that this school in Missouri, the one where I could graduate debt free, was where I was supposed to be. And then, I got the letter that said I was wait-listed. I remember sitting outside of the store in the car, all alone. I held the letter in my lap, and then I remembered.
God, I will praise you if I get accepted or not.
And right there, I praised him.
And then the weeks went on, and I kept praying, and everyone else around me was making their decisions, and I still didn't know. I felt helpless, but at the same time, had peace.
I knew that if God wanted me to go to college and I was seeking him, I wasn't going to miss it. I had done my best, and the rest was up to God.
I had this idea in my mind that God was going to "come through" at the last possible moment.
And so, when I arrived home in August from Chicago, I was...
Well,
I was lost.
I've always known where I was supposed to be. I've always tried to follow the Lord, and I had surrendered every college to him. At that point I was ready to go to any college he wanted me at. But I hadn't surrendered college itself. And I just figured that God "coming through" meant that he would fulfill that desire of my heart.
It would be so easy for me to become bitter, to say, "God, you didn't come through for me!"
But that isn't true. He has come through for me. In my deepest heartbreak, he walks beside me and carries me. He gives me strength and opens new doors that I couldn't have foreseen for myself.
For the first time in my life, I have complete charge of my time. I don't have the pressure of grades or test deadlines or work, and I'm free to try new things, right where I'm at.
God came through,
not how I wanted him to,
but in a way that was best for me.
And so, as I brave life in a form that I've never seen before, I praise him, because he is growing me and taking me on adventures that are making me into someone he can use to advance his kingdom.
Seven weeks later,
Here.
I.
Am.

His Thoughts Toward Me

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! (NASB) ~Psalm 139:17

"God what are your thoughts toward me?"

The question stemmed from so many things. I want to be loved. I want approval. I want to feel happy. And I look for those things in every place. I try to numb myself with entertainment, I try to keep busy so I don't have time to think about what's hurting me, I try to be prettier and skinnier and all of that. 

And all this time, I've been ignoring the very thing that will set me free.

His love.

Take a minute. Close your eyes, and imagine what God is thinking towards you. Try to recall the Bible verses that you used to memorize before you got too busy. I'll tell you my version at this very moment.

"Sara, I'm never going to leave you or forsake you. My plans for you are good. I have loved you with an everlasting love! When I have tried you, you shall come out as gold. Seek me with your whole heart." 

Every single statement there came directly from his word. That is why we must constantly be soaking up his word, we must devour it and hold onto it and obsess over it. It will replace the old thoughts -- the thoughts that nag at you. You know what I'm talking about. The thoughts of someone not caring anymore, the thoughts of jealousy, the thoughts of "wait, I need to do this and that and this and that and let me not forget to feed the chipmunks and watch this movie because this actress is in it and God-forbid I should miss that..." JUST STOP.

The King; let me say that again; THE KING, yeah the KING is thinking about you. He thinks about you more than you think about that person you really love, he thinks about you more than you think about how you wish you had a better life. We have all we need in him, friends. Why, oh why, do we search for it in other places? 

His love will drown everything else out. It will quiet your fears and depression and will give you a reason to live. I'll leave you with this little memory. 

It was about a month ago, and I was anticipating a really hard year. The short version of it all is that I had to pretty much sacrifice some dreams that were years and years in the making. And it hurt. Really bad. I'm tearing up thinking about it right now. 

"God, I can't do this alone. The only way I can get through this is if you don't leave me."

And I remembered that verse.

"Sara, I will never leave you or forsake you."

"Well then, so be it."

Imagine what he's saying to you. Find his promises and his commands that he's impressed in your heart. It will always change. Psalm 139 goes on to say, "If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." 

Oh friends! He is here with us! He loves us SOOOOO MUCH! How can I make you believe that? I wish I could hold all of you close to me and whisper in your ear how much he loves you. But I don't need to. God is already doing that. Will you listen? Will you get alone with him and seek him with all your heart? He will satisfy your soul. He will. 

I love you all and am praying that you would find all you need in Jesus' loving arms. 

A life he loves,

Sara

My Life for His Glory

This is my mind.
This is my heart.
I make the rules.

The words filtered through my subconscious, and as I awoke,*  the words played over again.

This is my mind.
This is my heart.
I make the rules.

Part of me struggles with this idea. After all, my life is ultimately God's. I am hidden in Christ, have taken on his identity, and am trying to walk in his ways. It is NOT my life. NOT my mind, or my heart, and at the end of the day, I make none of the rules.

But hear me out. I have a responsibility here. There is an inherent need in each of us to actually fall out of bed in the morning and put a semblance of an effort into doing life. We can't expect God to shoot us with Captain America serum, do all our homework, and control our thoughts. He will give us the strength to do these things (after all, without him, nothing is possible), but we must actually take responsibility for the potential he's given us. I mean, would it be more glorifying to God if I sat on my couch all day and ate ice-cream and watched Pride and Prejudice seven million times (who, ME?) or if I spent quality time with my Maker, lived morally, did my homework, managed my time, and pushed myself to reach my full potential? Which version of me do you think God could use to effect change?

I don't have much more to say, but let me just give you (and me, okay, mostly me) somewhere to start.

This is God's life. These are the things he's given me.

➝He's given me my mind. I choose to think of things that please him.

➝He's given me my body. I choose to treat it like his temple.

➝He's given me my brain. I choose to use it wisely and fill it with useful knowledge. (No, Sara, that doesn't mean creating more boards on Pinterest...)

➝He's given me my heart. I choose to guard it and use it for the compassion of the lost and hurting.

➝He's given me my life. I choose to live it to his glory.

That's a start. I'm sure you have your own. I have this job, I have this family, I have this talent, I have this asset.

This is God's life -- and it comes with an enormous responsibility. Push to your full potential, live in a way that pleases God, and yes--

We'll set the world on FIRE.



Philippians 4:8
Proverbs 4:23
Mark 12:30
1 Corinthians 6:19-20


I love you, friends! ♡♡♡♡♡♡


* This is what I look like when I wake up, btw. Rose and crown and lipstick and all. :)